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thug life

1126 pm. jesus. my mom wants me to go out to east hampton tomorrow. i dont know. i want to leave, i have shit to do, i dont want to leave, want to see har mar, want to be alone. want more hours in a day. not really.

i guess i really didn't think that my love affair with nyc would end like this. it feels weird, but i get it feels right. i'm trying to make it dramatic. i thought there would be a lot of drama involved.

i got weird feelings on saturday. like, good fun weird like jealousy. and then just weird weird. because his eyes were all red and squinty, and her eyes were wide and serious and dude, totally fucking scary. and both of them seemed to balance each other out in this way that didn't involve me at all. not that i wanted any part in it really.

i know i can be alone and not need anyone. just because you're alone doesn't mean it has to be scary. i saw this weird co-dependancy (i'm sure not unlike what others see in me and J), but when its held up like that it made me feel...really...

sad.

i was so into the idea of a great love lost. of letters written in cursive. of detailed phone calls and homesickness and i want to come home.right.now.because.of.you.

but really is that what i wanted? because clearly i doubt i could've handled it.

i wanna spread my dementia. i wanna knock it off the line. give me attention. every day and every night. dont want no crusty bullshit no crap or attitude. just wanna get electric tonight you know with you you you you you

11:26 p.m. - 2004-05-17

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