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it feels fine

i think the real reason i caught feelings in the first place doesn't have anything to do with me or you or my relationship, or "problems" in the relationship, or jordan or me or nyc or any of it.

there's gonna be problems in any relationship. in every relationship.

the real reason is that i was looking for something to put in this gaping hole i have in my heart, or whatever fucking organ it is. my whole body, all over.

its like doing drugs. it is a drug. you are a drug. its not your fault.

none of this bullshit completes me. not buying shit. not eating everything. and especially not wanting you to want me and wanting me to want you.

i hate to say it. i am diseased. dis-eased. i hate to say it. i have to say it. its too true.

maybe its not something you can understand. maybe you have another word for it. my word? the 4th step...deadly.

oh my word.

i don't wanna die today or tomorrow or ever again. it feels blind.

no. it feels fine.

12:14 a.m. - 2004-05-20

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