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manifest this bitch

wow. i totally forgot all about diaryland until jesse reminded me today. i feel like i always go through phases with this shit.

i just got back from japan. i've been home a week. since then, the following has happened:

1. i quit my job at libertine

2. sort of have a boyfriend/not really 'boyfriend' but i guess i'm exclusivly sleeping with him for now and its pretty intense

3.had a biopsy on my cervix

4. saw 2 movies

i think thats it. it seemed like a lot more a minute ago. i feel this shift coming along in my writing. like i'm so not into dear diary right now and i want to up the ante on that shit. plus with everything else i write for the magazine. there is this constant thread of thought that fucks with me, like "i can't do this. i have no ideas, i'm not funny enough, i'm too stupid to write, etc." and thats the kind of shit that is gonna wreck me. there's no big secret and there's no big trick. i cant let myself believe these things, no matter what. its really hard to change sometimes.

so this kid. jordan. i dont know how to solidify my thoughts and feelings about him. not obsessed, but not not obsessed either. what i like best about him is that he thinks i'm beautiful and wants to make out and fuck constantly, and i'm all bout it, even tho frankie and jeff say thats a farse. anyway, here's some pros and cons.

pros:

-good kisser

-looks like dustin hoffman from 'the graduate'

-has a cute preppy/dirty thing going on which works for him quite well

-is senstive and affectionate

-likes to read

-likes strangers with candy

-likes looking at me

-good with pussy

-passionate about art and movement (i mean on a skateboard. he's turned into an art form. very talented in that area and very beautiful to watch--its not just supreme skater nonsense, like he looks like he's dancing)

-is a good photographer. not great, but definatly has something there and will be great if he keeps doing it

-thinks i'm rad

-is from jersey

cons

-no steady job

-lazy

-always available

-smokes too much weed

-doesnt have a place to live

-is sort of too quiet sometimes

-cant tell if he's really smart

-no college

-easily persuaded

-very thin (not too bad but you know i like em big and meaty)

-is scared of things and insecure at times

with all that said, i'm gonna go redecorate my inspiration board.

7:28 p.m. - 2003-04-02

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