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let god sort em out

why do i let peeps read my diary? it censors the things i really want to say. makes me censor myself. its snowing outside but i cant see. my room seems yellow, dirty, clothes piled up everywhere. too tired to clean it now. i guess i feel sort of stressed out. so much going on and at the same time, i feel distant from a lot. i dont feel connected to the work i'm doing or i'm at right now. i feel like i'm just moving with the current and i dont know if thats bad or good. it just is what it is i guess.

i feel like the situation with me and t is like a cindy and pedro thing. i have to disasociate myself from going where my brain wants to go, which is "why?" but as we all know, the why question doesn't pertain to these sorts of things. knowing why won't change anything. i heard this: there are no such things as bad decisions. its how you feel about the decision after its made that determines whether or not its good or bad.

like, i'm sure charles manson didn't think he was making bad decsions. i'm sure he didnt really feel bad about murdering a pregnant woman.

yeah, obviously my situations are different. i dont fucking know. all i know is that i feel tired and sad right before i fall asleep and right before i wake up and i dont like it one bit. i dont want to feel this way or invest my emotions in anyone at all. i'm not sure if this is something that i can control or not.

12:28 a.m. - 2003-02-07

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