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go die
it's been a while. this weekend was weird. friday started off really good but got...boring. yeah. it got fucking boring. what with g and e versus j and g, its fucking bollocks. and i dont mean to sound like old man winter but once the coke came into the picture, the night got old. cliche, repetitve, and boring. emily telling the same stories over and over and over. even worse than gavin. at least gavin's are funny. how many times can you talk about how much punk rock meant to you when you were 14? i mean, who really cares? get over it. like i even give 2 shits about vivienne westwood or malcolm mclauren. its all she talks about when she's not talking shit. and all this garbage falls out of her mouth when she's fucked up. otherwise, she's fucking rad. i swear, the older you get, the less you are able to pull of the whole drug thing. by the time your 30 years old and your still partying like your 17---it kinda looks really really sad and pathetic. i'm not just saying this because i'm bitter or jealous. that part came into play on saturday. josh came over. he looks like he has aids. no. he just looks like a fucking junkie. he was in my house for about 45 minutes and went to the bathroom 4 times. then we went to see gangs, where he almost puked and nodded out for like, 20 minutes. then he asked me for money. i mean, can you get any more stereotypical? what a page from a textbook. what an afterschool special. it was the closest heroin has been to me in 3 months. bizarre. lately i just feel like asll my friends are falling apart in one way or another and here i am, doing the "right thing" or whatever, and it actually feels really good. except it also feels lonely. sometimes. ryan was all coked up and everytime he gets coked up he feels the need to explain it to me. then the coke wears off and he just wants to go home. i have no answers. no advice at all. i actually dont give a shit what any of my friends do anymore. its so much easier not to care. a huge weight lifted. so much love, i mean, love 4 ever. but no more trying to save someone. shits played. i am totally sexually frustrated too. double fucking sigh.
4:00 p.m. - 2002-12-29
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history - mystery
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