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president jellybean

i just read all my old diary entries, and the early ones are all pretty boring to me, plus it is so evident to see how much i was NOT working the program or changing anything about my life. i am so fucking greatful that last night i was abe to see my friends and be around booze and just not want to drink. so fucking greatful that obsession/desire was absent. last time, i was ready to give up dope but so not ready to give up the scene.

i am ready now. my friends who are real are there for me, with or without max fish, spa, the hole, etc. i feel confidant in that aspect and pretty confidant about the decsions i'm making. finally,i trust myself. and i have hope and faith that it wont go away, it will just get better.

i guess a slight thing that scares me is this 'pink cloud' theory and i wonder if thats where i'm at. i dont know. its not like i'm so psyched about rehab/meetings all the time, but i am doing it because i know its right. the right thing to do. what else can i say? i dont want to fuck things up for myself on purpose just because i'm scared. come on now.

A called me this morning, which made me so so happy. i just adore that boy. why? because he's 18 and smart? because i want to put him in a box and wrap him up, or watch him from a distance, like through a telescope. the way i see it is this-sometimes there is a state of obsession that is healthy as opposed to distracting. A is young and far away and i really dont know him that well. but i want to. not in a boyfriend way, more like a brother. i dont think thats bad.

secretly, i want him to stay clean so that in a year a bunch of us will travel to palm springs for a little reunion. maybe i can molest him then. for now, i like phone calls and emails. they make me smile. its all very innocent. i have no desire to scam today and its a great feeling actually. i truly dont want to be involved with anyone until i am 100% sure it feels right. thats where i fucked up last time and i dont want to do it again. these things people used to say that i didnt get, i sort of do now:

that getting fucked up isn't an option. that i have another drink in me, but not another recovery. there are more but i forget right now. this time, i'm not making 90 days so i can qualify. this time, i actually feel nervous about sharing at meetings. its because i really mean it.

for the first time, i really feel right and good about what i'm doing, even when i dont always want to do it. good things are gonna happen. i feel it in my fingers, i feel it in my bones...

goals:

-austin texas

-austin reed

-vanity fair

-needlepoint

-being a good worker

-eventually, marriage, kids

-novel

-bfc reunion in a year

-university of iowa?

dont want to have too many goals however. know what i mean jellybean?

2:07 p.m. - 2002-11-16

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