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beautiful losers

i need to stop drinking, stop going out, for real. all this bullshit. creeping up on me. it sucks. i suck when i'm like this. i am so sick of putting myself through the same old shit, year after year. decade after decade. where is C gonna be in 10 years? D, A, and all those other nameless faces? nowheresville.

f.u.c.k. t.h.a.t.

fuck following someone to the other side of a bar. fuck talking to A about what i'm "addicted" to. she doesn't know! dont give me your fucking avante garde as four foreign ass bullshit theories about life. dont try and tell me that i can be "addicted to the sun." fuck you! fuck the godamned sun. i know all about my obsessions and i don't even get your pretentious art anyway. i hate the world right now. i hate the small world that i care enough about to hate. i hate cute boys who are too stupid to realize how rad a girl is. i hate ludlow street. and i hate my obsessions, i do. i hate them. she goes, "its all in your head."

what the fuck does that mean? like that makes it easier to fix? sorry i'm not a perfect fuck up like you. believe me, i wish i was. i wish i had a trust fund and a fabulous LES life where all i did was coke and fuck. no really, i DO wish that. but such is not the case.

i thought this thing inside me would go away by now. when i was seventeen, i thought by 23 i'd be fixed or whatever. but i'm not. and it sucks. and it still really hurts. and i still hate it more than anything. and i still really have no idea how to fix it.

it makes me wanna go away.

crochet.

2:58 a.m. - 2002-07-02

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