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dj diaryland
i was aked to dj at lit monday night, which rules except how do i dj? i guess i'll figure it out. i definatly want 'me and julio' by simon and garfunkle, 'uptight' or 'as' by stevie wonder, 'round aand round' by ratt, 'citadel' by the stones, 'on yr knees' necro, and more that i cant think of right now. i tried to listen to the sex pistols today but all's i got was the fugees 'the score' which has its moments. 'ready or not' is a good jam. i also got a fake hair piece so that it looks like i have a long, cascading ponytail. cheesy/cool. i have 2 reviews to write for jesse, a whole issue to copy-edit plus dos and donts to get from gav, plus finish the press list. all this and john john wants me to go to the museum. do i have time? i dont. i guess i need to cancel. fuck. i feel like a dick. i wonder what motivated him to ask ME to the museum. should i think about it? nonononono. can i tell myself, yes, there are some guys who just want to be friends. why is this so hard for me to get lately? am i wrong to look into, but naive if i dont? i wonder if D is pissed at me or feels like i hurt him. i dont want it to be like that. i love him. he's been my homeboy from day one and i dont want that to stop. i want to do all the same stuff we did as before. i'm an intense person. i let things move too fast sometimes when i should not. maybe this is one of those times. the fast thing just wasn't feeling as good. C and i are on better terms. he slept over last week and we got bagels and just laughed a lot and it was awesome. he's my boy. my buddy. i founf all his notes and letters. they didn't make me cry, but they didn't make me not either. not crying, but a sadness of sorts. he wrote good letters and he was funny. no, he IS funny. what made me cry was looking at pictures of myself from the trip my family took to mexico. i was in the background in most of the pictures. i remember feeling so weird. my sister went out and made all these friends and it was like she didn't want me around. i felt so small, so little. there is this picture of her and all these kids she met, one girl who was even my age (but looked much older, tits and all) and then there is me, in the back. my dad is sitting and talking to me. maybe trying to make me feel ok. maybe just talking to hear himself. either way, i didn't want to be talking to him. i wanted to be talking to everyone, anyone but him. i was 14. i hated myself. it made me really sad. there were also pix of my grandmother, was looked so chic. she was all thick and big, but had glamourous scarves wrapped around her head and just looked so sassy. i bet she was cool too. B from st.marks books might think i'm scary. sucks for him right? cuz i rule. what the fuck can i do? call him. call him again. call him back. i guess i'll see how i feel on thursday because thats my deadline. gay/fun. its raining and cold. i want the warm back. i want the beach, and i want my tits to be tan this year. i want to go back i think. no. i dont know what i want.
9:38 p.m. - 2002-04-30
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history - mystery
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