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lester bangs

lester bangs writes:

"rock n roll is an attitude, it's not a musical form of a strict sort. it's a way of doing things, of approaching things. writing can be rock n roll, or a movie can be rock n roll. it's a way of living your life."

i feel like i either want to be on stage or i want to disapear. i've found no happy medium. sometime i want to immerse myself in writing so hard that i completly vanish from everywhere else. just hide out in sentences and sleep in the comfortable, claustrophobia that is parenthesis. god,how fucking cheesy. i also want to drink myself into a hole, not because i'm sad either. i guess a hole just seems like a nice place to be sometimes. and sometimes, it is. and i know that to be the truth despite what other recovering addicts say.

i mean, is it SO terrible to want to disappear? not forever, but just SOMETIMES? heroin is a tricky species, because it will suck you in before you even know whether or not you like it. but sometimes a fucking drink is just a drink.

anywho, A just came over here to drop off the movie i lent him and he was SO high and talking in that i'm-high-but-also-recovering way that is so familiar to me. however i just got home from work and am tired and cranky and yeah, i want to use so his presence was not very appreiciated and he's all, "why are you so irritable? can't i hang out? come to the meeting..."

i maintained my cool by acting nice/aloof/honest/slightly bitchy. fuck it. he had dope in his pocket! get the fuck out because i want to rob you bitch.

i don't want to be a rock n roll journalist, but i do want to be rock n roll. well, a little bit country too.

8:14 p.m. - 2002-03-26

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