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i'm with the band, man
i'm all unshowered and fuzzy right now, but i dont care because it's so nice outside and i dont feel like going to rehab. last nite andrew wk was so awesome. rob from work was so hammered, he kept picking me up and throwing me around and it was fun but i felt a little confused about him and all his "touching." no matter. E was up front with carol and glynnis and some other girls and i feel like a dick saying this because i am much younger than them, but they were acting like they were fucking 14 yr olds at a new kids concert. i mean, they just kept screaming like retards. i hate it when girls do that. they do it a lot. i know E is a great person, but she sells herself out and it bothers me. maybe its because she's 28 and is still fucking partying, and i'm 23 and i'm not really anymore. i think that by judging her and thinking i'm better is total jealousy, this lame passive-aggressiveness. i am jealous of her sometimes. why? i dont feel like going there. it was fun to rock out to andrew sober. if i was drunk i would have been much more violent, and if i was high on dope i would have been leaning against the wall, nodding or something. if i was on coke i would have been a superhero for like, 30 seconds, and then i would need to run to the bathroom or something. trying to do a bump in that crowd would have been a big fat mess. so it was cool and at the end, the bassist or whoever looked at me and was like, "wait around doll..." and he was so fat and hairy and gross but i was like "COOL, i wanna be a groupie!" but i really dont. the idea is better. i bet those guys are getting laid on the regs because even me and carol were like, grabbing their showlaces and i didn't even know why. we were just so close and they were rocking so hard, that it just seemed like that was what we were supposed to do. it was fun feeling like a heavy metal groupie for a few hours. i bet E and the rest of the girls wont even remember. andrew is so young and shy. i wonder how many models have wanted to fuck him and have been rejected. i'm glad that i saw him. the next time he plays, it's gonna be at an arena. sex has been pretty dope lately. i've been all wet and horny and stuff. i literally think about having sex all the time, which is so unlike me. i think i really get off on the idea that i get other people off. no. that i get D off. he makes me want to be barely legal in the best way. i'm not gonna stress about work anymore. fuck it dude. i want to get my resume and shit together, hopefully get a part timer at T n B, but as far as V goes, fuck it. i'll do what i do, what i've always done. they'll like it or they won't. in the meantime, i'm writing always. and i'm a writer, with or without V. remember when ian mackaye said "you are not what you own"? well, that was a really smart thing to say. V is cool and smart and funny and edgy but i am not V. my work for them does not at all define my work as a whole. and i can write a lot of different ways, not just GP guides. D told me that and he is right. i'm so sick of cool anyway. thats a fucking disease. a boring disease. time to get better...
5:20 p.m. - 2002-03-27
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history - mystery
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