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Cut. Cut. Cut.
I keep telling myself that I'm going to pray for you. That I have to pray for you, for good things to happen to you. For you to be in a really amazing relationship, get a lot of money, get really famous-whatever. I pray that you will get all the things you want. Everyday I grit my teeth and say these prayers because the truth is is that I fucking HATE you. Seriously, I just hate you. I think you are fucking lucky that someone is praying for you. I used to say oh I feel bad for you you're so insecure I kind of pity you, like a sick person I'll pray for you to get better and you've always been so loyal and nice and care so much about me and we've had such great talks... but that's a lie. We don't have "great" talks in fact, I don't even think you know me at all. Because whenever we have our "great" talks, it's you who's always talking. And when you talk you sound fucking dumb as shit and I'm surprised that a person like yourself, a person who is actually sometimes kind of smart-yes I'll give you that-can be so blinded about yourself. Can not know who you are at all, like not even a tiny weird little bit. it's fascinating. It's like you think that buying people will make them like you. Who are you? The Grinch Who Stole Christmas? And what makes me think you are even dumber, is that you think that other people are dumb, and do not catch on to your ways that are filled with manipulation and jealousy and envy and it's so FUCKING WEIRD TO ME HOW YOU WEAR THESE THINGS ALL OVER YOUR FACE, IN EVERYTHING YOU DO, WITH EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING THAT YOU SAY. And I guess what is really sad is how you are literally dying inside. Honestly, I think you might die from this. So that is where my prayer comes from. The tiny spark, the amount of love I have for all things living, the reasoning I have that everyone deserves another chance, and a lot of love, and everyday struggle. I don't know how you walk down the street, I don't know how you order coffee, keep long distance friends or make new ones. I don't know how you fall asleep at night, and I am even more puzzled for how in the world you are able to wake up in the morning. And the truth is, I think you hate me too! I think you pretend to like me because you hate me so much and I would almost respect you more if you just unleashed the dragon and hated me freely. I have been locking myself up in my own cage for so long and it's making me sick. And then I remembered that what I hate in a person is really just like a mirror, looking at me and staring at me and I can see that. I think you keep your enemies close. So for now on I will pray and pray and shut my mouth and let go of the care juice. The hate I have is like a concrete block on my shoulders. You can carry yours forever I don't care, but I'm letting go of mine. And "I don't care" isn't just something we say, it's something we do. And since you're so cofuckingdependant you can carry mine too. Take all of the concrete blocks in the world while you're at it. You will never know who I am or how I feel and since my light is unable to shine on your light, fuck it. It feels so good to hate you right now. I think I see the light, coming through me, coming to me. Giving me a second sight. it's like that.
1:27 p.m. - 2006-09-20
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history - mystery
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