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i'm a weirdo
i didn't ever believe in wishes, but now i might. because yours came true. i've turned into you. gotten what i deserve and all that. hurting people comes back around? is it like karma? i don't believe in that. i'm not gonna sit around and wait to get dumped. i remember when i was 19 years old and i sat on the stoop in front of my house in the summertime, and it didn't matter how many phone calls i made or how many grilled cheese sandwhiches my mom cooked for me. my heart was broken. my hair was short then too and i hated the way my clothes fit around my body. i wasn't surprised i had been dumped. i was ugly, i was so excited i wanted to know everything, i wanted to jump up and down all the time i wanted to be in love so badly and i wanted him to love me back. no one wants to go out with that girl. even me. i don't like the way i feel sometimes when i'm with you. like i'm in the way or i'm not doing enough or i'm not being the right kind of cute. or maybe it's the no mystery challange. how to put a spark back in its place. what was once there is now gone and what did i do? i did something? when i was 19, before my heart was broken, i walked up a mountain at 4am high on ritalin. we talked about things like Star Wars and the different cities we'd been too and what we were like when we were 15. I had never been anywhere, never even hiked up a mountain. we fell asleep at the top in the sun in the flower bed and we saw everything down below us small and stupid. then we went to the farm to eat and i was eating a bagel and drinking juice and he said suddenly god i can't stand the sound of you chewing what's wrong with you? i should've known right then. actually i think i did, but i'm not sure i cared. and i feel a trace of that morning like thread through a needle. everything i do is stitched in its color. i guess i just wish i was special. you're so fucking special. but i'm a creep.
1:17 p.m. - 2006-03-13
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history - mystery
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