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toxemia

i don't think i have enough female role models. it is obvious that i suffer because of this, in my work and in my social life.

why is it that when a woman is funny, crass, obnoxious, or any other male-related characteristic, she is then considered "annoying", or "funny, but ugly", or even "embarassing."

and when a woman is smart, she's smart. full of theories and class, taste, eloquence. polite. pretty. manicured.

what makes life worth living?
listening to records in your living room
woody allen
smoking cigarettes on the stoop in the summer
trashy magazines
going to the movies with bill

i keep using anxiety as an excuse for the way i feel, but it's not anxiety. i can't think of what it's called. i want to say it's called "Not Enough", but not enough of what? and for who?

i don't "hate everyone". it's not that at all. in fact, it might be the opposite. i think i love people.

i think i love everything and everyone a little too much.

4:48 p.m. - 2005-05-28

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history - mystery