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grown ups

because i am forced to read all my old diaries every month, i am also forced to look back at my life and realize what a complete asshole/jerk i was. of course, i wasn't all the time and i couldn't have known any better. i don't really regret that much and i had fun, a lot of friends, all that.

i guess it's just redonks how self centered i was and probs still am, but its like i never knew how to be any other way. and this is the reason why i can't write a story.

but knowing why doesn't always stop the action from taking place, so i have to pull through this.

there are so many things that come up in my diary over and over and over. like my relationship with ally, my friendship with marlene. i went to marlene's house on sunday and she was so normal. all the things in her house were normal. plastic fruit with glass beading from pier one.

glass jars filled with candy.

new balance sneakers in every color, jeans from express.

ally is normal too, which is why i think she ultimatly chooses julie, who is majorly fucked up, over me. julie: where to even fucking begin.

i think that weird peeps freak normal peeps out because they are intimidated, afraid of being judged, can't connect, etc.

fucking matching tea cups, pictures of ducks hanging in the kitchen. gingham. so much fucking gingham. and ally is a teacher. one of the things i hated so mcuh about school was having to wake up everyday doing the same thing over and over and over and over again, everyfuckingday the same thing. a nightmare.

but at 25 she chose this life. what if i had turned out different? wore calf length skirts and sensible shoes?

what kind of haircut would i have?

what a fucking life. i think i wanna be normal for halloween.

3:46 p.m. - 2004-07-28

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history - mystery