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nude as the news
last night was almost the funnest nite ever. it was pretty fucking fun, close to being the funnest nite, but i held back. and then i didnt. and then i had to. everyone was coupling off and so i was feeling weird. chan + spanky. pat + marcella. dana + and this dude who totally reminds me of jeff spicolli. there i was drinking virgin mimosa's (orangeade in a chamapgne glass) and feeling like a chump. then milton came and me milty jerry + caswell all played i never and took funny dirty pictures and talked shit about people and stuff. i guess i coulda had some if i wanted and thats all i needed to know. but it was so anti climactic. this hotel is bomb. the telephones are red. i couldnt come. i tried for so long and finally just passed out. i was naked and pretended i was XXXX and thought about new york and XXXXX and it wasnt working. i keep replaying the nite it my head over and over, but differently of course. and i keep changing words around and wishing i didnt say things and wishing i did. maybe me and jo need to not live together anymore. its not because of new york. i fucking love my apartment, and jo and i have a good time living together. except we have a privacy issue, and i have an issue except i dont know what to call it yet. i want too many things that i cant have and new york, new york, it only makes me want them more. i'm afraid i'm gonna scare new york away. i'm afraid of slipping back into the clothes of the girl i used to be. not the cheating girl. the insecure girl who is too foward and scares all the boys away and then does heroin over it. i hate that girl. i see her everywhere and it makes me cringe. is that girl still totally a part of me? its that why i'm with jo? is that why i love him so? nothing is about just what we think its about. i wrote that once in this diary and i'm sticking to it. new york, i wanna be a part of it. i'm starting to not be able to stand it. sorry.
11:05 a.m. - 2004-04-28
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history - mystery
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