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hot for teacher
you wouldn't like me if you knew me. thats what i want to say to austin, who always seems to be waiting for me to sign on. he calls me from his car. sends me songs to listen to. nas and j lo and 2pac. he's 18. he's obsessed. an addict, a disease, one that he thinks he's immune to i guess. he's so sean john, he's so silver cross, he's so timberland. i hold onto champers but i hold too tight. she wants to run away. a reoccuring them. why didn't i run away when i had the chance? i still think about that life of sleeping in parks and driving in cars that aren't mine and eating pizza and writing poems on paper bags and leaving them to be found. what a romance. taking pills that leave my veins feeling scraped out. i blame it on this city. this city that is so unromantic to me right now. dating services and "getting a drink" are not romantic. the empire state building doesn't even seem romantic. a mix tape, a milk shake, a makeout session---none of it. whats romantic to me? time travel. pretending its the first time even when its not? someone telling you they realize they love you even after all these years and they didn't even know it. its true, they say. i didnt know what took me so long. thats what i think everyone is waiting to say. i dont mean to sound this emo. i dont mean to be writing any of this at all. i dont think new hampshire is sexy or even austin texas. not los angeles either. i still want to live in books. they give me nightmares. my nightmares turn me on. the other night i dreamt someone was having a party at their house and their bed was so big, fucking huge. fit like ten people. but she said, "yeah its actually not very comfortable at all." that should be a metaphor for something, although i dont know what yet. i miss certain people. certain people dont miss me. other people are around and dont even realize how good they got it. i got bad i got it bad i got it bad. i'm hot for teacher.
1:25 a.m. - 2003-02-11
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history - mystery
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