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this is old radio

last night i found out that i might get fired from dear diary because gavin didn't like the last two. things could be worse, but COME ON!

i guess i have to try to make the next one really aces, not that i haven't been trying. fuckfuckfuck. i know i'll still be able to write shit, but that's my baby.

also, fuck AG, who's all "maybe i shouldn't live with you because your drinking again." oh my god? like i sit on my couch with a 40? like i'm smoking crillz? fuck her. she's not an addict, she's a manic depressive who needs a self help group. and she sucks all around and i dont want her to live here and i never did. actually, i really hate her. and T was and is being really weird to me, but i try to talk to him but he gets so scared. it's like, when he's scared of something he gets someone else to do it for him, so that he doesn't have to. he says that he's dj-ing, when it's seth who is doing it with his records. i know because i did it for him too.

and so he cant even talk, for real with me, when it once came so naturally. it upsets me, because i didn't think i was just some chick to him but now i feel like i am. like, AG came back and he doesn't need his token ugly girl around anymore.

i dont know what else to do about it, like i'm not gonna keep calling him. i'm not gonna jock him because fuck it, he should be jocking me. maybe he feels like i let him down? with the recovery? but maybe not. i just wish he would say it. i wish he would fucking talk. i hate it when people dont know how to fucking talk.

i have to go to long island tonight.

people think new york changes but it doesn't. it always stays the same. that is really why we love it.

3:53 p.m. - 2002-08-08

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