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birthday party cheescake jellybean boom

its 5am. just got back from R's house where he talked to me for a while about his concern--me drinking and stuff. it meant a lot. i'm pretty aware of the fact that everything i do is in avoidance of what i actually need to do-which is write. and not for vice. really write.

its so ingrained in me that if frustrates the shit out of me, when i "can't" do it, or i'm too scared or whatever. sometimes, a small part of me wishes that i didn't have this absolute need to create something. it drives me crazy. its the only thing that truly matters to me, the only thing i sincerly cannot live without, and i want to kill it? i dont, but i want something and i cant figure it out. well, i cant fucking write it down thats for damn sure. at least not right now.

i know going out all the time and fucking is fun, but its not what i really want--or do i? true, you've been to one bar, you've been to 'em all. but such is not true with other things, like good songs. and boys.

it's crucial that i do not obsess over bad news boys, like V or C. yes, boys in general but especially boys who like to do coke until 8am. been there before-why do i want to go back? not unlike dope, when your on coke all you do is talk and talk and smoke and talk about NOTHING. but, there is that something...

i dont want to be in the program. do i have to? i hate the 12 steps. i dont hate myself. i dont want to drink, and i dont want to fuck myself up, but i also dont want to have to make the concious decision every day to not fuck up, get it?

i know, i dont either.

5:00 a.m. - 2002-06-29

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