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bullshit, again

one more thing:

i just totally remembered my m.o. for going to detox. i remember thinking that i wanted to get my tolerance back so that i wouldn't have to spend so much money. wow, right? i actually remember thinking that "no, i don't need help staying clean, i only need help kicking."

interesting turn of events, one might say. someone else might not say that at all, however.

if i were to get high right now, i would vomit. of course, a given. but then what? nothing. a great feeling of immense nothingness followed by a series of nothings. really. it would feel good, i guess, but my idea of "good" is not the same anymore. i do not equate numbness with "good" right now. later, maybe, but right now i really dont. been thinking more about other vices lately. jack and coke, jw black label on ice, white russian. basically all irish whisky, all creamy and soft and white, like my belly. i dont want to be an alcholic! i'm already an addict, so isn't that enough? i dont even know how to spell it: alcoholic...is that right? i think about summer and 40's and blunts. it would be cool to go on a cross country tour of meetings. C and i did a cross country tour of bars and cop spots and it was hard and frustrating. i want to do it again and i want to do it different. i want to do it right this time.

gayness,

L

6:42 p.m. - 2002-04-01

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