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ponyboy curtis

i had another relapse dream last night. i actually bought a bag, but didn't use it right away. did small bumps but i dont remember feeling anything. i was with josh and chris, my family. not too exciting, but relapse dreams are always so odd. i guess when you wake up your supposed to feel psyched that you didn't actually relapse, and sometimes i do feel that way. but not today.

fucking weird. last night at the meeting there was this kid who looked EXACTLY like jason miller. JM was my first love. my first serious, obsessive, hardcore crush and my feelings for him have a history all to themselves. so this kid looked just like him, but probably not like he looks now, more like the 7th grade version of JM, who was actually much hotter.

a part of me really want it to be him. i mean, JM is totally an A but thats not why i wanted it. i guess it would be this GP of mine to be able to connect with him because i'd always wanted to in the past and it just never worked. i couldn't stop looking at this kid! i had to keep telling myself to stop. it made me think of all these old times, all these memories. this boy plays such an important role and i HATE that. it was too much, last night. the only difference was his eyes. this kids eyes were all squinty, but JM had big, brown, Ponyboy Curtis eyes. maybe i'll go into further description another day, but not now.

more later

1:51 p.m. - 2002-03-30

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