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secret (no edits)
so a possible mistake was letting D know my alias. i guess i just figured that in writing this, i had nothing to hide so who cares? but on the other hand, i cant help but wonder if all of my entries from here on in will be self conscious. i mean, of course they will be. what was my motive really, for telling him i wonder? i think a part of me really likes being vulnerable. i think i secretly love giving huge parts of myself away sometimes. it's an ego thing. i'm not always the best communicator, and i'm not always the best at keeping secrets. who am i kidding? i always got off on telling my secrets. even if i exaggerate, at least it makes me seem more interesting. keeping shit to myself never made me very mysterious, but it was my honesty that made me, well...compelling? i dont even fucking know. at this point i'm thinking, read what you want and decide for yourself. i got nothing to hide cuz i just aint that great. i'm having a hard time remebering all my wild and amazing adventures on dope, and that scares me. it makes me want to go back out. mostly what i remeber is lying, lying, lying around and talking, talking, talking about nothing. J, C, and JB were my crew. at any given time any one of those boys would knock on my door, but it was always the best when they were around together. JB on dope was such a nodder. he would intensly play video games, intensly play music, intensly cook up, get me off first always and then him. then he would intensly nod. always trying to hit me up for more dope because he was so cheap. it was always a fight, and then always an intense kiss-and-make-up. everytime we got high i would talk about quitting and everytime, every fucking time he would tell me to shut up. we had some good times. BK picnics and we even bought hamsters together. i gave them to my dealer, and her cat ate them. J never nodded. he talked. he was nice on dope. he was a backrubber, and snuggle-puss, a big brother to my little sister. when we got high, we rode bikes and ate italian ices. he ate grape and bubblegum together. he hooked me up, lent me money, knocked on my door when there was no where else to knock. he has a lot of big ideas for a lot of big parties that will never be thrown. i cant deny that i miss him. he's an arrogant fuck and i miss him. he truly believes that his future is written in the stars. this makes me sad. C. there are not enough words to explain. as simple as he seems, i cant understand the way his mind works at all. getting high with him was...it. we made music. i sang while he played guitar. we took pictures. i developed them myself in the darkroom. he danced around, got stupid with me. we got retarded together and it was awesome. my guitar is gone now. there are so many days when i think about those times, as if they are imprinted in me so definatly that i dont even notice he's gone. it's like, sometimes i still think he's coming back. like he just went out to the bar, or to work, and he'll stop by with some candy or some cd's and we'll cop and play and everything will be the same. it's really fucking hard to let go of dope, when dope just represented love for so long. he was always my best kept secret that i didnt need to share with anyone. he was always in my bedroom when i needed him to be there, and that was good. we did bumps on the train to long island. we did lines before sunday breakfast, and lines after too. we made the bed, got dressed, did some dope and got back in. we read to each other and smoked too many cigarettes and drank too much coffee and loved heroin way too much. i miss those days and those boys. and i'll admit this: not a day goes by where i dont think about doing dope with D also.
2:16 a.m. - 2002-03-26
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history - mystery
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