I haven't written in a long time and I've been making up different excuses when people ask me why I've stopped doing rocketsauce. Here are some of my usual answers:

1. I felt like I was giving people too much info. While this is true, I know also that it doesn't have to be true. It is possible that I can write honestly and keep secrets at the same time. I often tell people that since the whole world will be reading about my life pretty soon, I wanted to keep rocketsauce on the low. I give this excuse a 2 out 5 on the truth scale. While I am feeling a bit more self conscious these days, it's not so much to do with "the whole world" reading the book, but more about how whenever I write something incredibly personal on this here blog, people like to tell me they've read it. It's a very uncomfortable feeling however I realize it's of no fault but my own. Still I am not used to it. I don't know what I was expecting.

2. People were giving me shit about typos. One thing you should know about diaryland is that there is no spell check or anything fancy like that. Diaryland is not a good "server" and I only put that in quotes because I'm not exactly sure if this is a server. That brings me to reason #3...

3. I have a lot of anger. I am angry at diaryland for not having spell check, and I'm angry at myself for not knowing html or major internet things. What? I have to take a Quark class? I'm also angry that I do most of my writing here at work, where the phone is constantly inturrupting me and sometimes my co worker Tammy is on the phone like every single fucking day for hours and I can't concetrate. That's happening right now. I'm working it out like a Ninja, training myself to write through distraction because one day I wanna have kids (2-4) and I don't wanna stop writing. The reason why I don't write from home is because I steal an internet connection and it's unreliable.

4. I felt like I had not much to write about besides myself and secrets, and I can't tell secrets anymore. This point is similar to point 1, so I guess it's come full circle.

5. I don't know.

I feel guilty when I don't write. No not guilt. I feel bad. Like the feeling is bad when I'm not working on something.

I am about to go fucking out of my mind with anger and rage right now.

7:32 p.m. - 2007-05-04


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