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dirtbags

i cant help but feel so anti-climaxed everytime i go out and come home alone. there's a better word for that, i know there is. anti-climaxed? weak. i thought i saw jesse at sway tonight. i dont know. if it was him i dont think he saw me. everytime i see him i feel like i have to chase him down and harass him, and i dont want to do that. i guess i just feel like he's no longer my best friend and i hate admitting that. it might be true. whenever we talk it gets gay, like he's been mindraped into some girlfriend cult. i guess we're just at two very different places in our life. thats all i need to accept.

i actually brought trevor out tonight and was doing my best not to play caretaker. i activly had to stop myself from worrying about him and whether or not he was having fun. there's a line between looking out for my peeps and feeling responsible for someone else's good time and i have to keep my eye on it and watch myself. i think i did ok. everyone thinks he's cute and everyone assumed i was hitting it. everyone wants me to hit it. fatboy said i cant bring a guy out with me if i'm out scamming for guys. there are too many rules to this game and its not too much fun being on the team when your sitting on the bench the whole time. i'd rather not play at. cut practice and smoke weed with the dirtbags in the parking lot instead.

i have to work on my third step right now and ponder my life for a minute or two.

3:54 a.m. - 2003-02-02

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