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It's Still Rock n Roll

It is during times like this I wish I could take Xanex, but nothing can help me. Except you know, the regulars. The hard way.

So much anxiety. Just writing it now is making it lift a little bit. I wouldn't be surprised if it affected me physically. And I hate to think that this is true, but I fantasize about laying in the hospital and being given medication to help calm me down and ease the pain.

I don't really want to get sick, it's just pretend.

I have to believe that I'm struggling this hard for something good. Even if it's not true, there is nothing wrong with wanting to believe that.

There is a reason why we are put in positions to face our fears. A reason why we work hard and struggle and cry and bitch and whine and do it anyway. I knew from the beginning I couldn't "go around" this stuff, I guess I just didn't think it would be so hard. But if I knew that, I probably wouldn't have done it. It doesn't matter.

And that's the moral of every story: it doesn't matter. Even if we learn stuff and grow strong, strong enough to maybe change someone else's life, it will matter a little bit but nothing so much that we can see or touch for very long.

Just an ugly girl in a bedroom somewhere will think different one day. Maybe a few people will start living more honestly. And then it's like dominoes, right?

I get it now. I keep it by giving it away. It's not just love. It's everything.

3:57 p.m. - 2006-11-13

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