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Free

Today I am 4 years sober. Is it no coincedence that I am at the part of the book that is all about when I got high?

It's making me sick to my stomach, and it's just the beginning.

I feel so cold and lonely, not much different from the way I felt in these entries from 2001.

However this time, I know the feeling will pass. And I'll go to a meeting and then hang with my friends. Things are different now but the diary has a way of making things feel like they never, ever change.

I'm back at school. The snow is covering the skylight. I'm a hibernating bear, not in a good way. I feel that cold coming through the door each time someone walks in. They come in and out, not having anything to do with me.

I'm cold, skinny, and sick. Up to my ears in wanting everything to be different but not doing anything to change it. Trapped. Imprisoned.

Today I feel free, but how come the hairs on the back of my neck are still standing straight up and frozen?

Like soldiers.

2:33 p.m. - 2006-10-12

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history - mystery