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Last night I woke up at 4am from a horrible dream. Me and some friends took a trip to my old house in East Hampton even though it wasn't mine anymore. No one was there and the doors were unlocked so we were sort of breaking in. Rumor got around that I was having a party and all these people started showing up-the worst kind of people. Rowdy teenagers, Hell's Angels, Bloods, Cryps, annoying drunk girls I went to high school with. At one point I think a Christian anti-abortion group showed up and started to insist that everyone use styrofoam cups! No matter what I did, I could not seem to control the situation whatsoever. I tried putting up a gate and the crazy teenagers pushed it down. I tried calling the cops and the cops said, "If you don't have police insurance then we really can't help you. For us to even get in the car would cost you $1000." Like all things big and small, the dream wasn't really about a party. It was about my lack of control in all areas, good and bad, and how tightly wound up I am in trying to control so many things right now. I should have maybe surrendered to the party, because trying to control it only made the whole thing grow bigger and scarier. Just like with the situations I have going on right now, the more I try to control, the bigger of a "situation" it becomes. I know this sounds like the most obvious thing in the world, but you have no idea how much anxiety I give myself over these things that are truly not in my hands. My hair falls out, my right hand tingles, my neck won't crack. I'm even afraid of losing my eyelashes. I always feel like I'm on the short bus with this kind of stuff. Is it that much of a duh? Are you all able to let go of things you cannot control so easily that it's like, what's the big fucking deal? Let me know.
4:17 p.m. - 2006-09-05
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history - mystery
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