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snake eyes

i keep having dreams about the same person, and in the dream we are friends. i don't remember the specifcs. it's been 3 nights in a row now.

i get on my knees and i pray. i say god please help me be closer to you. please help me write well. i bargin with god. i say if you help me write well i will do anything in the world you ask.

i'll be good.
i'll make amends.
i'll pray for other people's newborn babies.
i'll pray for my enemies to be happy and rich and successful.
i'll help newcomers and go to more meetings.

and then i'm confronted with a blank page and i stare at it and it stares back. it looks at me is like, "what nigger?"

have you ever stared at the refelection of your empty black soul?

it's the worst feeling in the whole wide world.

i have a list of mends to make. when i think of apologies like sewing they don't seem so bad. but it's not an apology. what is it then?

it's an amends. standing up for the old soul you forget about it. standing up when your already standing up. but didn't you know? all you ever do is sit on your ass and watch the world pass by.

i am so full of shit my eyes have turned brown.

5:42 p.m. - 2005-11-30

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history - mystery