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sweet surrender

this is the second night in a row where i've woken up crying in my sleep. tonight it comes as less of a surprise.

i had a dream jordan walked into an apt, like we still lived together. he had just gotten back from bill's house and i yelled at him, told him to please stop going there. then i walked into another room and there was all the fast food on the couch. jordan said, 'i didn't remember if you liked big macs or quarter pounders, so i just got both', and there was all this other stuff i liked, stuff we used to eat together.

i yelled at him and told him he had to stop feeding me, that he couldn't win me back with food. he started crying. the bill in the dream was bill girard, the only other boy who ever broke my heart.

i hate feeling like i get what i deserve. i dont want to leave it alone but i know thats what i have to do. it is so sad not being able to touch the one that is in your bed. now i know how it feels. it feels sad. but dont touch it dont touch it. just please leave already so i dont have to feel this sad anymore.

i dont remember what i dreamed the night before, but i do remember thinking this: "when we let go of something, we are known to leave claw marks all over it." and i was crying super hard. when i woke up, my shoulders were sobbing. i was so surprised. i was speechless.

6:46 a.m. - 2004-11-11

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