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kickin rocks

super kicking rocks right now. maybe its pms, maybe its lack of meetings. i dont know. i just wanna be a nun and devote my life to children and animals and nature and god and everything and anything but myself. because being in this head doesnt feel good right now. and it feels even less good knowing that there are a million other me's all over this world and that i'm really not that important at all.

like i cant control anything and that sucks. like i keep trying to block the tidal waves from crashing over my head, but no matter how many times i put my hand up to stop them, they just keep on crashing through. and i'm so stupid. i keep trying and trying and trying and trying and why can't i just realize that it will never ever work?

its funny when we get sober and we become the people we are meant to be. and it's a good thing, a great thing, but not always the person everyone wants or expects you to be. like just because i'm sober doesn't mean i'm always nice. or tactful. or quiet or there to please everyone. just because i'm sober doesn't mean i'm your designated driver.

when i think about Partypage i think about how he was vs how he is now, and he is different because he is a little boy in bloom. but the flower isn't always what we expected. his flower is darker than i thought and it's shocking in a way but also seriously cool i guess.

anyway, i'm over kickin rocks. i'll kick em in private so you dont see the me that i am so scared to show to everyone. byyyeeee.

8:28 p.m. - 2004-10-14

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